Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
