I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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