"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
