matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
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