Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
