i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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