at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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