He is like the real live version of the state fair..
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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