okay pat passed out under dana's car
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
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