I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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