I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
