i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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