Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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