I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
