i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It's never too late to be topless.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
