I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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