His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
