Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
