Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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