I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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