when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
