I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Randomize
