Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
