I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
