If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
