she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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