I wish my penis had an off switch
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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