there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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