in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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