You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
