I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
