Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
