I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
