For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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