I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize