In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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