so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
