My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
