I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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