He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
