We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
