It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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