So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
