Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
