I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
