k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
