hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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