Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
