Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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