Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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