i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
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