i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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