Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
