The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
