Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
