Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
