You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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