I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
