i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
