I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize