At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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