Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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